Archive for December, 2007

rules of addiction

December 17, 2007

1. Coffee is to be utilized only on Saturdays and Mondays. Saturday coffee must be from home but all is fair on Mondays.

2. Only two slices of pizza are to be consumed in one sitting. Two for lunch and two for dinner is acceptable. So is two cold ones for breakfast the next day.

3. Beer should be consumed out of the bottle rather than the pint because labels can be peeled off and put aside. That way, the number of beers can be monitored. An exception applies to better beers, which should be poured from a tap. In this case, all cocktail napkins will be saved and stacked under the most recent pint. This is called “drinking responsibly”.

5. No more than five cookies shall be eaten per day. Effective tomorrow.

6. There will be no more than thirty but no less than five rolls of toilet paper in the linen closet at any given time.

7. Toothpaste will be squeezed from the bottom. Any excess tubage will be rolled up and secured with a bobby pin.

8. All bagged food will be tightly sealed and any spare baggage will immediately be cut off and thrown out. Food must be sealed with twist ties or binder clips. Rolling and/or folding is not acceptable. Gum and candies shall not be kept in original packaging if there is less than half a pack. It shall be kept in decorative tins such as Altoid or York boxes.

9. Towels will be folded as such: In half to make a square. Then in half again directly below the first fold. Then folded into thirds. The trim edge of the towel must be showing and the tag must be tucked into the towel so it is not hanging out.

10. All soup and vegetable cans must be stackable. If the brand on sale is not a stackable brand, it will not be purchased.

11. All bedclothes must be 100% cotton. All underpants must be 100% cotton. All overpants must be no less than 97% cotton. A little bit of stretch goes a long way, sometimes a girl could use a little suck-it-inability. Scarves should be, but are not limited to, cashmere and/or silk. Shirts, sweaters, and other tops will be purchased in navy, green, brown, or orange. Never pink or yellow, seldomly black and white, sometimes maroon or eggplant. Pants are acceptable in any color other than black. Black pants are for waitresses, and usually either smell like salad dressing or evoke memories of pants that smell like salad dressing. Dress shoes shouldn’t be blue, pantyhose shouldn’t be white. Pantyhose sounds like a euphemism for penis.

12. The gas tank must never dip below 1/4 full.

13. Dish sponges will be replaced on the 1st and 15th of every month. White socks and underthings, as well as hair and body products will be replaced/rotated on the solstice. This includes shampoo, cosmetic colors, deodorants, lotions, and soaps. Spring and summer products are lighter, with the exception of soap and deodorants which will be stronger. Fall and winter products must include extra moisturizing properties. Furniture will be re-arranged on the Spring and Autumn solstice.

14. Don’t step on cracks, it is bad for your mother’s back. Cracks may be stepped on out of spite.

15. All lists must end on a multiple of five.

That’s all I can think of off the top of my head, but I know there is more. What quirks have you noticed? Please comment.

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indicator

December 8, 2007

You know you are doing a bang up job as a mommy when you pull the Land O’Lakes butter out of the fridge to make Christmas cookies and your baby gasps and runs from the dining room screaming “OOOOOOHHHH BOOOOOOOBS! Gimme da boobs, please.” and when he wrassles the box of boob butter away from you and he can’t find the boobs anywhere he gives it back to you and runs back to his toys making that totally non-p.c. ab-ah-bah-bah-bah sound with his hand and his mouth that we used to make in the olden days when we played cowboys and indians.

In all fairness, I learned that boob trick from my mom. So it is kinda like an heirloom or a heritage or something.