no, no, no. it’s just ice cream…

My BJ’s Wholesale membership expires at the end of the month.

I love love love saying that I enjoy BJ’s so much that it brings me to my knees in admiration and every time I’m done with BJ’s I get such a huge load. I could go on, but I won’t. Seriously, I have a million of them.
No? Okay.

I have a slight mental illness that requires me to have a never ending supply of paper towels, toilet paper, toothpaste, canned goods, femme products, diapers, wipes, and string cheese. I joined BJ’s for the low, low prices on infant formula and household foodery needs. Farce. You just feel like it’s cheaper because you are getting more and you don’t have to buy as often. Plus, it seems to me that there is nothing truly healthy for sale there. If we were the type of family that lives off pudding packs, juice boxes, canned soda, lunch meat, frito-lay, ice cream novelties, and hard candy we’d be set. Unfortunately for the boys, I don’t allow it.

If you bring a calculator to the store, you’ll find that you are generally only saving pennies on the grocery items. You’ll do better shopping at the supermarket when they put a good flier out. Or Walmart, if you don’t mind an eternal damnation because you are indirectly slaughtering the babies of young unwed mothers, the borderline retarded, and unpensioned elderly. Whatever you’re into. It’s your choice.

BJ’s is good for big ticket items like ventless fireplaces and televisions, but how many of those do you really need? You’re better off finding a friend with a membership and buying them lunch if they let you in on their card.

I’m slowly but surely dealing with my compulsion to turn my cabinets and closets into dry goods storage centers. If I can’t buy bulk, I probably won’t. It’s that simple. Saves me hundreds in therapy co-pays. Plus, I always buy stuff that I don’t really need because its BIG! and CHEAP! and that clashes with my other compulsion to downsize everything and only keep what is absolutely vital. Yes, 15 cans of black beans is vital. As is a year’s supply of sippy cup valves.

I want Jake out of diapers sometime in oh-ate, so the more I have to buy them the more I will be annoyed at buying them.
Target carries those giant packs of Brawny paper towels for about a dollar more than BJ’s offers them.
There’s always the Can-Can Sale at ShopRite.
And it’s been eight years since I’ve been in a town that doesn’t have any toilet paper for sale anywhere until “la settimana forseProssima” (next week… maybe).
Toothpaste is overrated if you keep a stash of Orbit in your bag.
Tampons are hardly a necessity when you have a dozen rolls of paper towels and Scotch tape that will make do until you get to the corner store.
Wipes are nice, but you can always stick the kid’s butt under the tub spigot in a pinch if things get messy, and I live in the cheese capital of the Eastern Seaboard.

I do think I’ll graciously decline membership at the club this year, dahling.


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