conspiracy theory #123r78scq

Not that this is relevant to anything but there is no one here at work who I’m good enough buddies with to talk about it so I’m going to post it.

Every time I get work-related public (pubic!) health oriented STD literature I swear Geo.Bush and his Conservative Dept of Health Minions are flooding the American people with horror stories of rampant viral underpants nightmares and way exaggerated statistics:

1 in 4 Americans have HERPES! Quick! Button your jeans!! Yeah, um, it’s called cold sores. Cold sores on your mouth will make you test positive for herpes in a blood test. Big deal. Pop a Valtrex and buy some Carmex. Or Blistex. Or something else that ends in -ex. Stridex maybe. Kotex. Whatever.

Holy crap! HPV starts with H and ends in V so it must be just. like. HIV! Every single HPV germ is deadly and warty and it will surely kill every single one of your daughters after rendering them sterile and unattractive to the community. Vaccinate! Vaccinate! Vaccinate! Yeah, no. There are hundreds of kinds of HPV’s out there and you can catch them in a billion different ways and the vaccination may or may not work for some but it certainly doesn’t work for all. They aren’t all deadly and sexually transmitty. Relax. Your daughter is such a skank anyway that HPV is the least of your worries.

Really gross gynecological pictures are plastered all over the halls of our nation’s high school nurses offices and health classrooms and college dorms and doctor’s offices and social service organizations.

Guess what?

I don’t buy it.

Sure there are diseases out there, but come on. With all the press they’ve been getting lately you would think we were a nation full of crotch rot. People aren’t getting laid because they are scared, and then I have to deal with these people who are super cranky and not getting laid and yelling at me because they are uptight and miserable.

Or something like that. Regardless of the issue, people are uptight and yelling and it’s bringing me down.

Do you know what I love? The herpes commercials. They always (ALWAYS) show a couple wearing wedding rings, and the man always (ALWAYS) has herpes and his loving wife, who, unlike her horny fornicating bastage of a husband, remained a virgin until her wedding day still (STILL) doesn’t.

I think that there is a clandestine underground right-wing laboratory somewhere in the Midwest with secret government agents who get paid to Photoshop lamprey mouths on people’s naked crotches and develop scary tri-folding glossy-print full-color brochures that tell you to wait until marriage to do it or your thing will rot off and to stop being so damn gay because that’s how you die and go to hell.

Seriously. Who do you know that would let their nasty ass chassis get so out-of-control scabby that it would end up in a text book?

Other than your mom, I mean.

OOoohhh. I haven’t wrecked your mom in awhile.
It feels real good.

Your mom feels real good


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